And its almost one year...less than 24 hours and counting.

Tomorrow marks the day.


The day I have been dreading for some time.


Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of John's death.  He passed at 12:55 PM on 1/31/2013.


Today has not been easy.  I am worried about how hard tomorrow might be.


This all still feels like some crazy nightmare that I cant possibly be living through.  But I am.  And one year passed in the blink of an eye and things may be...different...but they surely are not easier.


I don't even know what to expect of tomorrow...this situation still sucks so bad. 


I just want my damn life back.

Story of my life these days...

This is surely how I feel treated these days.  Not by everyone- some people still get it.  But by most of the world- friends who aren't close friends, co-workers, people you sort of causally know who know your story- this is how things usually are these days. I guess I do a great job of putting on my brave face or keeping myself together, and so people think you are always doing well.  But that is not true.  I am not OK sometimes (maybe more than sometimes...) and I am most definitely suffering.  The holidays are already hard and we haven't even gotten to them yet.  Meanwhile the anniversary of his death is looming over me in January.  The date just sits in my mind, like a mountain...overshadowing so much, daring me to think about it too hard so that the tears start falling in hot rivets down my face.  And so, too often, I pretend like thing are OK.  I refuse to let myself go to certain places in my heads during certain times of the day.  I avoid things that I think will be too emotionally painful. Then when I'm sad...I'm very quiet.  And so people think I'm OK.

Looks can be deceiving, people.

Anniversary

Today would’ve been my 9th wedding anniversary with John.

Heartbroken doesn’t even begin to cover how I feel today. I miss him so much, I grieve for him heavily and I grieve for our children, who miss him but have no real clue on all that they are missing out without their father, knowing one day it will really hit them what it meant to lose their amazingly loving father at such young ages.

I’d give anything for a few minutes to just look at his face, or talk to him.

My poor John, how I wish you were still with us…more than anyone will ever know.

(Almost) a year ago...

Isnt that the truth?

Tomorrow marks one year since the surgery John had on his arm for his misdiagnosed "pinched ulnar nerve" (which turned out to be a malignant peripheral nerve sheath tumor...), andon 11/3 it will be one year since his diagnosis.

I'm acutely aware of the reality and severity of my situation, but this tiny little part of my brain still has trouble coming to terms with the fact that the "movie reel" of those four months that continuously plays in my head is, in fact, REAL.  

John was misdiagnosed, not treated for cancer for a year until it because so bad it could not be treated, and then in less than four months, he was gone.

No one could've ever convinced me this where where I would be a year later.  And yet here I am.

It has been 8 months and a few days since John has passed.  Time has not made things easier.  People tell you that it will, but people lie.  I wouldnt call this situation "better"- I'd call it "different".  You become more used to what happened, you accept it more, you carry on with your life as best you can....but no, it doesnt become "easier" to lose your husband and the father of your children.  Its a situation I can never fix and it bothers me to no end that no matter what, I never, ever will be able to change the outcome of what happened to John.

I miss you tons, John.  More than anyone would ever know.  Not a day goes by that I dont think of you, miss you, or wish you were here.  In fact, sometimes its multiple times a day.  Sometimes it feels like its all day.

I wish you were here for me and more importantly, I wish you were here for our kids.  

24 weeks

Yesterday made 24 weeks since John passed away. In 12 days it will be the actual ‘6 month’ anniversary of John passing away. Funny how that week/month thing works. Both days are significant, either way.

I spent the day very busy with school registration for our kids, but I was not remiss to be acutely aware of what the day was. Being so busy helped it not be as hard of a day as I expected it might me but it still was sad. I had to, of course, talk about it during registration when you’re confirming the parent information. Luckily for me (insert sarcasm here…) the lady helping me was also a school counselor in our district, so she started to asking me how I was doing, telling me how sorry she was, etc. I always appreciate the sentiment, of course, but  I probably would’ve preferred the type of people who just say ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ and left it at that. One lady even started asking me questions, like ‘what did he die of?’ I kept answers brief to discourage her from too many questions.

Thankfully it worked.

I re-live what happened enough on my own, thank you…I surely don’t want to give in depth details to total strangers.

And although I was always the parent who handled registration for the kids, it made me think of how hard the first days of school will be this year. John didn’t always make it out to the first day itself bc of work, but if he didn’t he made sure to go to the meet the teacher/open house events in the days following. Now I’ll be handling all that myself. My mom probably will come to help but it isn’t the same. It’s not John, and its not us with our kids.

It sucks.  That is an understatement.

Lots of things are like that now…events, parties, things for family/the kids, holidays. They all serve as additional reminders as to what I’ve lost and who isn’t here.

It would be nice to celebrate something or have some event or activity pass without it ALSO being some painful reminder as to what happened.

Maybe one day it won’t always be like that.

Heading into the half way point...

So this week (on Thursday), we will see the 24th week since John has passed away.  On July 31st, it will be the official "6 month" anniversary date since John passed.

On one hand its hard to believe its come so quickly, but at other times, the 6 months has felt like 6 years.

The reality is that you will grieve forever...

"The reality is that you will grieve forever.  You will not "get over" the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.  You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.  You will be whole again but you will never be the same.  Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to."

All the time

Love has gone and left me

Love has gone and left me and the days are all alike;
      Eat I must, and sleep I will, — and would that night were here!
But ah! — to lie awake and hear the slow hours strike!
      Would that it were day again! — with twilight near!

Love has gone and left me and I don’t know what to do;
      This or that or what you will is all the same to me;
But all the things that I begin I leave before I’m through, —
      There’s little use in anything as far as I can see.

Love has gone and left me, — and the neighbors knock and borrow,
      And life goes on forever like the gnawing of a mouse, —
And to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow
      There’s this little street and this little house.

And just like that...

      
Its been 15 weeks.


I want this back.  I WANT MY LIFE BACK.  I know I cant have it…but I’d give just about anything to have it back.

We used to feel like a family. We WERE a family.  Now we just feel like a fractured, empty shell of one.  It always- ALWAYS- feels like someone is missing.  But that’s because someone is.  Every “family” thing we do, every “family” picture we take…it feels like someone is screaming a reminder at me that something is wrong, someone is missing. But that’s because someone is.


At least if he was alive, I could see his face or hear his voice.  I think anything would be better than this.

Things a 6 year old boy should not have to ask.

Jack came to sit with me & then asked me when John's birthday is. I replied to him, telling him the date (its a few months away).

Then he asks 'Can we celebrate daddy's birthday, even though he died? That's ok right?'

The empty space you should be filling

Just another poem that seems so appropriate to my situation.  I miss you so much, John.

I have not felt you
for so many days,
so many nights.
I have sat next to a stranger,
I have held the hand of ghost.
I have kissed the lips of a phantom
And I have put my arm around
The empty space
you should be filling.

- Tyler Knott Gregson

There's someone missing...

I took a picture with the kids yesterday for Easter.  It hurts my heart to take "family" pictures without John.  Its like there is always someone missing from the picture.  I can pretty much just see him right in there, where he should be- next to me.  But there is no John there.  There will never be John there again.  I hate that, its not right.  But I dont want to not have group pictures for occasions, so we took one anyway. 

"How are you?" or "How are you doing?"

I get this question a lot.  Its always THE question people first ask me.  I get why, and I understand the question is generic and well meaning...it also happens to be my LEAST favorite question.

You think you know, but you have no idea...

“Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.” - Arthur Schopenhauer

A friend shared this quote with me semi recently.

And isn't it so true?  Maybe you read it and think "Yeah, I know that feeling." And maybe you do, but I am betting a lot of people who think that- unless they have suffered some of the "earth shattering" forms of loss that would really give you perspective on what that quote really MEANS.  (And if you do know that kind of loss...I am so so sorry for you.)

Maybe you are luckily blissfully unaware of how true this statement can be in a person's life, maybe you've never experienced that kind of loss- that isn't really the point here.

Reminder

John listened to this CD a lot when he was sick, and would cry over it sometimes. He asked me not to listen to it until he was gone. I've finally ventured into listening to it and I see why it made him so sad now. He probably knew I would be a blubbering mess along side him if I had listened to the CD while he was alive.

This song in particular is very hard to listen to, but is also very touching.

A couple of the last pictures I have of John

I actually have a few newer than this but he is sick (in the hospital during the 4 days before his passing) in them, so I felt like posting the last GOOD ones we had here for the good memories.

This one is from 9 days before he passed, on our son's birthday.  We have a family party @ the house for the kids on their birthday and bigger party later.  J was feeling well enough to get up into his wheelchair to help us celebrate that day.  He was a great dad- even if he hadnt felt well enough he probably still wouldve gotten into that wheelchair because of our son's birthday.

Then this picture was from the 26th- 5 days before he passed and a day before he went into the hospital with the infection.  He spent 4 days in the hospital and came home on the 30th, then passed on the 31st.

This is also a couple of the last pictures of us together.  The first is when I had crawled into his hospital bed (in our room- he was home with hospitce) to cuddle with him for one of the last times and we had both fallen asleep.  Being able to sleep in the same bed was something that was few and far between once he was diagnosed.  Hospital beds arent exactly built for two, plus when J was hurting or needed to be rolled a certain way or had all of his equipment in bed it was impossible to get in there.  I loved the few times I was able to do it. 

The second is one of us being goofy one night in our bedroom.  We moved all the furniture around in our room to make sure his hospice bed could be close to me and in our bedroom so I could take care of him at any time he needed. We spent time at night watching movies and just enjoying each other, or sometimes grieving and crying and comforting each other.  The happier times were always better, it was hard to see him upset and John hated seeing me upset.

Both of these were from a couple of weeks (maybe 2-3 weeks) before his passing.

 

Its been 4 weeks

I love the work of Tyler Knott.  He posts a lot of things that are so relevant to how I am feeling right now.  Even more so was he placed this over a picture of the ocean.  John and I loved the beach.  So I saw this one and had to put it here. It describes how I feel so aptly.

Its been 4 weeks today since John passed.  I hate Thursdays now, because he passed on a Thursday. Each Thursday is just a reminder of what I lost that day.  I actually used to like Thursdays. Now I dread them, or at best just wish I could skip over every Thursday.

(from tylerknott.com)

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Today my single step is that I managed to go to work, every day, for a full week.