Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Story of my life these days...

This is surely how I feel treated these days.  Not by everyone- some people still get it.  But by most of the world- friends who aren't close friends, co-workers, people you sort of causally know who know your story- this is how things usually are these days. I guess I do a great job of putting on my brave face or keeping myself together, and so people think you are always doing well.  But that is not true.  I am not OK sometimes (maybe more than sometimes...) and I am most definitely suffering.  The holidays are already hard and we haven't even gotten to them yet.  Meanwhile the anniversary of his death is looming over me in January.  The date just sits in my mind, like a mountain...overshadowing so much, daring me to think about it too hard so that the tears start falling in hot rivets down my face.  And so, too often, I pretend like thing are OK.  I refuse to let myself go to certain places in my heads during certain times of the day.  I avoid things that I think will be too emotionally painful. Then when I'm sad...I'm very quiet.  And so people think I'm OK.

Looks can be deceiving, people.