Wednesday, July 31, 2013

6 months

Six months.

Six fucking months since John died. I miss him so much that I cannot accurately find the words to describe it.

Its probably an understatement to say I am not doing so well today.  The feelings of dread and depression have been slowly sneaking over me for a few days before this, but today it has hit me very hard.

I really cant believe its been 6 months.  6 months without seeing his face, hearing him speak (aside from those books that he recorded for the kids before he died...but they sound a little "off" from what I remember his voice being like....almost like listening to the voice of a ghost), hear him laugh, talk to him.  Its still so surreal sometimes.

The pain still rips me apart. I'll have some periods where it wont be so bad, or even...alright.  Then, like a freight train, some sort of "date" or "anniversary" of something comes along and just knocks you back down again.

The kids don't realize what day it is.  In a lot of ways I am glad they are fairly insulated (most likely due to their age- its a double edged sword- they're saved a lot of hurt bc they're so young, but they're missing out on so much bc he died so young...) from all of these things.  They don't remember that he died on a Thursday, so a Thursday is just another day for them.  They don't remember that it was 1/31 when he passed and so they don't even connect that today is 7/31 and what it means.  It helps that they don't have to suffer these days like I do, but at the same time...

I don't want to be suffering either.

Friday, July 19, 2013

24 weeks

Yesterday made 24 weeks since John passed away. In 12 days it will be the actual ‘6 month’ anniversary of John passing away. Funny how that week/month thing works. Both days are significant, either way.

I spent the day very busy with school registration for our kids, but I was not remiss to be acutely aware of what the day was. Being so busy helped it not be as hard of a day as I expected it might me but it still was sad. I had to, of course, talk about it during registration when you’re confirming the parent information. Luckily for me (insert sarcasm here…) the lady helping me was also a school counselor in our district, so she started to asking me how I was doing, telling me how sorry she was, etc. I always appreciate the sentiment, of course, but  I probably would’ve preferred the type of people who just say ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ and left it at that. One lady even started asking me questions, like ‘what did he die of?’ I kept answers brief to discourage her from too many questions.

Thankfully it worked.

I re-live what happened enough on my own, thank you…I surely don’t want to give in depth details to total strangers.

And although I was always the parent who handled registration for the kids, it made me think of how hard the first days of school will be this year. John didn’t always make it out to the first day itself bc of work, but if he didn’t he made sure to go to the meet the teacher/open house events in the days following. Now I’ll be handling all that myself. My mom probably will come to help but it isn’t the same. It’s not John, and its not us with our kids.

It sucks.  That is an understatement.

Lots of things are like that now…events, parties, things for family/the kids, holidays. They all serve as additional reminders as to what I’ve lost and who isn’t here.

It would be nice to celebrate something or have some event or activity pass without it ALSO being some painful reminder as to what happened.

Maybe one day it won’t always be like that.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Heading into the half way point...

So this week (on Thursday), we will see the 24th week since John has passed away.  On July 31st, it will be the official "6 month" anniversary date since John passed.

On one hand its hard to believe its come so quickly, but at other times, the 6 months has felt like 6 years.