His voice & the forgotten video

I came across a video from my phone of the day John came home with hospice (in December, just days before Christmas) when the kids came home from school and realized he was home and got to see him AT home for the first time in nearly 2 months. They had seen him in the hospital a handful of times once he was transferred back to our city but he hadn't been home since the diagnosis.  It had been some 50-odd days or so since he had returned to our home.

You think you know, but you have no idea...

“Mostly it is loss which teaches us about the worth of things.” - Arthur Schopenhauer

A friend shared this quote with me semi recently.

And isn't it so true?  Maybe you read it and think "Yeah, I know that feeling." And maybe you do, but I am betting a lot of people who think that- unless they have suffered some of the "earth shattering" forms of loss that would really give you perspective on what that quote really MEANS.  (And if you do know that kind of loss...I am so so sorry for you.)

Maybe you are luckily blissfully unaware of how true this statement can be in a person's life, maybe you've never experienced that kind of loss- that isn't really the point here.

Reminder

John listened to this CD a lot when he was sick, and would cry over it sometimes. He asked me not to listen to it until he was gone. I've finally ventured into listening to it and I see why it made him so sad now. He probably knew I would be a blubbering mess along side him if I had listened to the CD while he was alive.

This song in particular is very hard to listen to, but is also very touching.

The last video I have of John

This is the last video clip I have with John in it.  The kids got an air hockey table at Christmas and John hadnt gotten to play it with them.  One day a couple of weeks after Christmas while in his wheelchair we were able to position him in a way to play a few rounds with our youngest son.  As you can tell, our youngest was very proud to score a point on his dad ;) 

You can see John's arms/hands were beginning to give him trouble (as in he was losing control of them- we knew that would happen from the tumor, per the Dr's, but that did not make it any easier when we began to see it happening).  That really was the turning point for him- his arms began to go out, then within a rapid period of time basically did not work at all.  Within a couple of weeks of the onset of this he had passed.

Even with difficulty controlling his arms/hands and barely able to hold the air hockey mallet, he still played a couple of rounds of air hockey with our boy. I will always cherish these little videos I have of him, especially this one while he was sick and could barely control his arms/hands, but still did what our kid wanted him to do- spend time playing with him.  That's just part of why he was such a great dad- he'd do nearly anything for the kids, even if it was something that he had to struggle to do.  It broke his heart when he lost the use of his arms completely for lots of reasons, but mainly bc it left him much less able to interact with the kids or play with them.  It broke my heart for the same reason, and also because it left him so defeated.  We also knew that the loss of his arms meant that he would likely go downhill somewhat quickly...I didnt think it would be as quick as it was, and I'll never know if the infection caused him to pass, or if it was in fact the tumor, but either way, it was WAY too fast- much less time than we had hoped for when we began this nightmare, but also way less time than we expected once we were told there was nothing anyone could do for him.