Thursday, January 30, 2014

And its almost one year...less than 24 hours and counting.

Tomorrow marks the day.

The day I have been dreading for some time.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of John's death.  He passed at 12:55 PM on 1/31/2013.

Today has not been easy.  I am worried about how hard tomorrow might be.

This all still feels like some crazy nightmare that I cant possibly be living through.  But I am.  And one year passed in the blink of an eye and things may be...different...but they surely are not easier.

I don't even know what to expect of tomorrow...this situation still sucks so bad. 

I just want my damn life back.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Story of my life these days...

This is surely how I feel treated these days.  Not by everyone- some people still get it.  But by most of the world- friends who aren't close friends, co-workers, people you sort of causally know who know your story- this is how things usually are these days. I guess I do a great job of putting on my brave face or keeping myself together, and so people think you are always doing well.  But that is not true.  I am not OK sometimes (maybe more than sometimes...) and I am most definitely suffering.  The holidays are already hard and we haven't even gotten to them yet.  Meanwhile the anniversary of his death is looming over me in January.  The date just sits in my mind, like a mountain...overshadowing so much, daring me to think about it too hard so that the tears start falling in hot rivets down my face.  And so, too often, I pretend like thing are OK.  I refuse to let myself go to certain places in my heads during certain times of the day.  I avoid things that I think will be too emotionally painful. Then when I'm sad...I'm very quiet.  And so people think I'm OK.

Looks can be deceiving, people.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013


Today would’ve been my 9th wedding anniversary with John.

Heartbroken doesn’t even begin to cover how I feel today. I miss him so much, I grieve for him heavily and I grieve for our children, who miss him but have no real clue on all that they are missing out without their father, knowing one day it will really hit them what it meant to lose their amazingly loving father at such young ages.

I’d give anything for a few minutes to just look at his face, or talk to him.

My poor John, how I wish you were still with us…more than anyone will ever know.

Monday, October 7, 2013

(Almost) a year ago...

Isnt that the truth?

Tomorrow marks one year since the surgery John had on his arm for his misdiagnosed "pinched ulnar nerve" (which turned out to be a malignant peripheral nerve sheath tumor...), andon 11/3 it will be one year since his diagnosis.

I'm acutely aware of the reality and severity of my situation, but this tiny little part of my brain still has trouble coming to terms with the fact that the "movie reel" of those four months that continuously plays in my head is, in fact, REAL.  

John was misdiagnosed, not treated for cancer for a year until it because so bad it could not be treated, and then in less than four months, he was gone.

No one could've ever convinced me this where where I would be a year later.  And yet here I am.

It has been 8 months and a few days since John has passed.  Time has not made things easier.  People tell you that it will, but people lie.  I wouldnt call this situation "better"- I'd call it "different".  You become more used to what happened, you accept it more, you carry on with your life as best you can....but no, it doesnt become "easier" to lose your husband and the father of your children.  Its a situation I can never fix and it bothers me to no end that no matter what, I never, ever will be able to change the outcome of what happened to John.

I miss you tons, John.  More than anyone would ever know.  Not a day goes by that I dont think of you, miss you, or wish you were here.  In fact, sometimes its multiple times a day.  Sometimes it feels like its all day.

I wish you were here for me and more importantly, I wish you were here for our kids.  

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

6 months

Six months.

Six fucking months since John died. I miss him so much that I cannot accurately find the words to describe it.

Its probably an understatement to say I am not doing so well today.  The feelings of dread and depression have been slowly sneaking over me for a few days before this, but today it has hit me very hard.

I really cant believe its been 6 months.  6 months without seeing his face, hearing him speak (aside from those books that he recorded for the kids before he died...but they sound a little "off" from what I remember his voice being like....almost like listening to the voice of a ghost), hear him laugh, talk to him.  Its still so surreal sometimes.

The pain still rips me apart. I'll have some periods where it wont be so bad, or even...alright.  Then, like a freight train, some sort of "date" or "anniversary" of something comes along and just knocks you back down again.

The kids don't realize what day it is.  In a lot of ways I am glad they are fairly insulated (most likely due to their age- its a double edged sword- they're saved a lot of hurt bc they're so young, but they're missing out on so much bc he died so young...) from all of these things.  They don't remember that he died on a Thursday, so a Thursday is just another day for them.  They don't remember that it was 1/31 when he passed and so they don't even connect that today is 7/31 and what it means.  It helps that they don't have to suffer these days like I do, but at the same time...

I don't want to be suffering either.

Friday, July 19, 2013

24 weeks

Yesterday made 24 weeks since John passed away. In 12 days it will be the actual ‘6 month’ anniversary of John passing away. Funny how that week/month thing works. Both days are significant, either way.

I spent the day very busy with school registration for our kids, but I was not remiss to be acutely aware of what the day was. Being so busy helped it not be as hard of a day as I expected it might me but it still was sad. I had to, of course, talk about it during registration when you’re confirming the parent information. Luckily for me (insert sarcasm here…) the lady helping me was also a school counselor in our district, so she started to asking me how I was doing, telling me how sorry she was, etc. I always appreciate the sentiment, of course, but  I probably would’ve preferred the type of people who just say ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ and left it at that. One lady even started asking me questions, like ‘what did he die of?’ I kept answers brief to discourage her from too many questions.

Thankfully it worked.

I re-live what happened enough on my own, thank you…I surely don’t want to give in depth details to total strangers.

And although I was always the parent who handled registration for the kids, it made me think of how hard the first days of school will be this year. John didn’t always make it out to the first day itself bc of work, but if he didn’t he made sure to go to the meet the teacher/open house events in the days following. Now I’ll be handling all that myself. My mom probably will come to help but it isn’t the same. It’s not John, and its not us with our kids.

It sucks.  That is an understatement.

Lots of things are like that now…events, parties, things for family/the kids, holidays. They all serve as additional reminders as to what I’ve lost and who isn’t here.

It would be nice to celebrate something or have some event or activity pass without it ALSO being some painful reminder as to what happened.

Maybe one day it won’t always be like that.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Heading into the half way point...

So this week (on Thursday), we will see the 24th week since John has passed away.  On July 31st, it will be the official "6 month" anniversary date since John passed.

On one hand its hard to believe its come so quickly, but at other times, the 6 months has felt like 6 years.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

“Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn.”

C.S. Lewis

Monday, June 24, 2013

The reality is that you will grieve forever...

"The reality is that you will grieve forever.  You will not "get over" the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.  You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.  You will be whole again but you will never be the same.  Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to."