Monday, April 8, 2013

Things a 6 year old boy should not have to ask.

Jack came to sit with me & then asked me when John's birthday is. I replied to him, telling him the date (its a few months away).

Then he asks 'Can we celebrate daddy's birthday, even though he died? That's ok right?'

I started tearing up and told him 'Of course we can celebrate daddy's birthday, and of course it's ok if we do it. I'm sure he would've liked that.'

He left the room and I kinda lost it for a few minutes.

These are not things 6 year old boys should have to be asking.   Sometimes it scares me when I think about how little he may remember about his father.  I feel the same for my daughter, who is only a year older, but I worry most for my son.  I wonder what it will be like for him to grow up with probable incomplete or fuzzy memories of his father- a man he is named after- as a teen or as an adult.  I weep consistently for what my kids have lost and for what they dont even realize they will miss out on.  My father has done an amazing job of stepping into a male role model position for them- he did so the very second that we knew John was sick (except back then we still foolishly believed we had treatment options).  But I know that while my dad is doing a good job in that position, it still seems so.incredibly.unfair that my kids will have to grow up this way.  I could go into a diatribe on religion and such from this, and how all of this makes NO sense when you try to put it into that context (I live in a heavily religious area and got a lot of the "Its meant to be." or "He's in a better place" comments- and I absolutely LOATHE comments like that) but for right now I prefer not to.  Lets just say that this situation did NOT strengthen ANYTHING for me faith or religion wise (nor did it for John) and in fact it probably just strengthened my resolve for what I already believe.  No way would shit like this happen if someone was magically in the sky, watching over people and taking care of them.  And that is all I am going to say about that.

Aside from that, my birthday is this week and it will be the first one I celebrate without John. And I thought I hated my birthday last year because I was turning 30. I wish things were that simple now.  I remember very clearly hating that I was going to be 30.  I'd skip straight to 40 this very second to not be going through this or to have him here by my side. 

Then it got me thinking of all the special days I will have to endure without him- this year and forever.  Mother's Day, Father's Day will be a hard one I think b/c I will feel so badly for the kids, HIS birthday, our kids birthdays, our of the kids birthdays is even about a week prior to what will be the 1st anniversary of his death. 

I have no idea when- or if- the special days in our lives will ever be able to be unmarred by thoughts of how there is always someone missing from those special days.  That is one really shitty feeling, let me tell you.  It feels really hard to feel like you're ever moving FORWARD (I still don't feel that way) when there are and will be constant reminders and roadblocks.

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