Monday, May 6, 2013

If there is no struggle, there is no progress

Last week at work, we had a client come into our office.

The last time I had seen him was during the time John was still in the hospital and we had spoken briefly about John's illness and he was very nice and said he had been thinking of us.  I was in @ work so little while John was sick that I had not seen him since.

So when he came in, naturally he asked me "How is your husband doing?"

Wow.  That was a very uncomfortable moment for me. Suddenly, I felt like there was a boulder sitting on my chest and another lodged in my throat.

I took a sharp, deep breath (and was actually a little surprised he didn't seems most people know.  I assume my work people let customers who knew he was sick also let them know he had passed, but I guess no one had mentioned it to him) and said "Oh.  Well, actually, he died 13 weeks ago."  I gave him a brief run down of what had happened since he had seen me last. 

It was very difficult and I thought I might throw up or start having some trouble breathing normally, but no. I did it...I managed to get it out.  And I managed to do it WITHOUT crying.

I'm not sure, but I think that might be the smallest inkling of progress for me. 

Usually its very hard to talk about what happened with John without crying at some point because the whole story is just so damn SAD.

People tell me all the time that I am strong.  People even tell me I am an inspiration to them.  I always thank people when they tell me that, even though I know I don't feel strong or inspirational.  I just feel like a sad, broken mess. 

But maybe I seem strong to others and maybe I am an inspiration to people on how to carry on in the face of adversity and devastation and loss.  Maybe I don't think I am doing a good job but other people see me differently.  If I help someone else or inspire someone else I think that is great, no matter if I cant see it myself.  I can recognize that I probably don't see much of life clearly right now...I dont think I'm supposed to.  I also know I am incredibly hard on myself and that may be clouding my vision of how well I may or may not be doing. 

I guess when you still cry every day- sometimes multiple times a day, sometimes for what seems like ALL day- its hard to see any true progress or strength.  I guess when you're dealing with your kids issues stemming from losing their father, its hard to see any progress and strength.  I guess when you spend so much time wishing and wishing and wishing that things would be different and wishing every day you'd wake up from this nightmare that its hard to see any progress and strength. 

But maybe just because I cant see it doesn't mean its not happening.  I guess only time will tell.

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