Monday, May 20, 2013

Odd, consuming feelings

Sometimes I find myself feeling "What's real and what's not...and who even knows anymore??

When life (my life, obviously) feels like a weird dream at best and a nightmare at worst; when I feel most at home in grief counseling sessions with other people who have lost their spouse because at least those people must- in some way- know what you're going through or have been going through at least some of the same things or feelings you've gone through so at least occasionally you don't have to feel like "the odd man out" because it all your other interactions in society are with "normal" people whose lives don't revolve around living through their worst nightmare or worrying if people judge you because your life is often consumed by losing your spouse; when sometimes the easiest times for you are when you can go out with friends and try to pretend away or ignore (even if only for a few hours) the awful reality that your life is...

All the lines start to blur together because part of your brain just really DOESN'T want to accept that all of this crap could be real.  All of these odd, consuming feelings become so commonplace in your life, and that feels wrong and "off" too.

Of course I really know what the reality of my life is.  I know what happened and I know things wont be any different when I wake up tomorrow or the next day, or next week or next year...

But sometimes your mind just doesn't want to accept that and you're left with that "Did that happen? That cant be real. There is no way that this is my life now because none of that shit should have happened. That CANT have happened. " feeling.  Even when you tell yourself "Oh but it did..." part of your brain still thinks you don't know what you're talking about.

You feel like some part of you was amputated and it feels like its always been there but its missing now.  You don't know what it looks like because you cant see it, but you can feel it so strongly and so you walk around always feeling like something isn't there or your forgot something. 

You wonder if there might ever come a day where you don't spend periods of your day (every single day- and some days its not just for hours, but pretty much all day) crying over what happened and what you're missing or what your kids are missing or are they going to grow up damaged no matter WHAT you do???  Or you wonder if some day maybe even if you still cry every day it wont be that kind of crying where something catches you totally off guard- something that shouldn't BE making you cry- and it totally turns you upside down and inside out and you cant accomplish ANYTHING else because its so consuming.

Feeling like a failure consumes you- even if the things you feel like you failed over weren't things you could or can control.

Wishing you could fix things you know you can never change or fix becomes something else that consumes you.  You try and forcefully make yourself stop doing this because you know its counterproductive and pointless, but it usually doesn't work and the things you'd change circle over and over again in your mind.  The things you didn't catch when that person was sick that seem so obvious NOW scream at you "Why didn't you notice me???" and the guilt can eat you alive.

Wondering how and where you go from here is consuming too.  Everything worries you, it doesn't feel right to think about your future in terms without that person you lost...when you think maybe eventually you'll overcome that, you find a million problems that don't even exist yet consuming your for me is what if I end up with someone else and they end up sick and they die and I CANT DO THIS AGAIN.  There are a ton of these that play through my head but that is just one example.

Am I coming, am I going?  Where will all of this end up?  Will it ever go away or even just stop being something that takes up most of my free time and then some?  Do I ever get to feel any sort of "normal" again aside from vague moments here and there?

Unfortunately I don't think you can stop those odd, consuming feelings with the snap of your finger.  I don't think anyone can predict if that stops happening or when.  Maybe everyone's experience- no matter how similar- will always be way too different for you to find any answers to your questions except to keep on going and find out where you'll end up and what will end up happening with the situation.  I'm far too much of a control freak to feel OK with this- but what else can you do??


  1. First of all, you are awesome. Far from a failure. You are a fantastic mother. A fantastic caring person. You are a fantastic wife.

    Normal is such a weird word. What is normal? I think eventually you will find a new normal. But it will take time and it will be on you own terms, your own timeline. Everyone's journey is different.

    I think the world of you. I just think you are such a great person, so down to earth and real. Such a fantastic wife/mom/friend. I have always admired your confidence. I *know* John was proud to have a wife...a best friend like you. My hope for you is that you feel a little more normal every day. But be kind to yourself, it will take some time.

  2. Thank you so much, Natasha. I've been hearing about this "new normal" for so long that sometimes I wonder just WHEN crap is supposed to feel normal to me, or I wonder HOW will life ever feel "normal" again...but like I said, what else can I do but carry on? Even when its the last thing your mind or body want to do.

    Things would be a lot easier, I guess, if you could just command yourself to follow instructions (like "Stop being so sad. Stop crying for hours every day."), but in this kind of situation it never works that way.

    I always appreciate your kind words. Thank you for being there for me.