Thursday, November 15, 2012

Snippets of emotions before the diagnosis

These came from various posts or conversations on facebook or with friends. I wanted to save them for posterity. >>I wish I had more to say right now. It's just too hard. This was the only place I posted this last night, then cried myself to sleep. His case will go in front of tumor board tomorrow. The bad part is that even with treatment, this is severe enough that he will be lucky if he lives a couple of years. I am going to lose my husband, plain and simple. My children are going to lose their father. 'Not fair' doesn't even cover it. The only 'bright side' (ha!) is that we think we will have enough time to get things together. Take a Couple of trips w the kids, figure out how we will support ourselves after he is gone, spend a lot of time as a family, talk about a lot of things too morbid to write out right now. I'm just happy it won't be super sudden. >>everyone says 'you're so strong' to me but its funny bc I don't feel strong. I feel like a scared kid who doesn't know what the hell is gonna happen and what to do. And has to keep it together for other people. I miss my kids like crazy right now but I don't know how the fuck in supposed to keep it together. And work? How do you work when you breakdown all the time??? How does any person just keep going after these kinds of things, and we aren't even at the truly bad part right now. Life sure is fucking unfair. (Written while waiting on the path report on the longest day of my life, ever.) >>I'm so sick to my stomach waiting for this fucking pathology report. My MIL has been bugging our caseworker and pathology dept and they r working on it 'doing extra stains ' or something like that to confirm findings. I don't know that that means something bad but it FEELS bad. I am struggling like I haven't in DAYS with this. They are promising me a path report today. I NEED it- NOW. I don't care if they want to do extra work, obviously they know SOMETHING and I need to know. I took my Xanax a few minutes ago but I'm literally here, in the bathroom, so my crying doesn't wake up John and because I literally feel THAT sick. I do.not.know.how.to.cope.with.this. I feel like I'm dying slowly right now, like I can't get enough air, like I want to throw up everywhere and scream and cry and hit people and break things and throw a tantrum in the middle of the Neuro floor until someone gives me what I've been waiting almost a WEEK for. I miss my kids, it's been 9 days. I don't want my husband to die. I don't want him to be sick. I just want my boring, normal mediocre life back. (Also written while waiting on pathology, a few days before the above post) >>Waiting is just the worst part. Because everything in me wants to be negative and be all 'this shit is going to be malignant and BAD and I'm going to be a fucking 30 year old widow.' But then the rational part of my brain punches the emotional side and says 'NO. NO IT'S NOT. Everything you know and have read and have been told is that this probably is OK.' But the rational part of my brain also knows that with John's history and now this, that the chances of growing old with my husband are not great and that more issues stemming from his prior cancer are likely to take him away from me way before I'm ready. And take him from our kids. That is 1 billon times harder to deal with than thinking of ME being without him. And because the rational part of me is smart enough to know how likely it is that if its not this it'll probably be something else within 10 years, the emotional part of me is FREAKING the fuck out. Man I am good at holding it together for him (although you guys would've been embarrassed to know me in the ER @ LGMC when they said tumor. Y'all I swear I panicked like he had just died right then and there. Seriously, I'm kinda embarrassed of myself. Anyway I keep a good face for him and stay cheerful mostly and try to make him laugh and joke with me (I'm not always successful....y'all know John...I'd kill someone to have him spend ONE day laughing and being his stupid smartass self to me like he always is. Then I end up away from him and next thing you know I'm trying not to lose my shit or I just plain lose my shit.

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