And so it ends...

I have to share the awful news...


And with the heaviest of hearts I have to post that my beloved husband passed away on 1/31/13 around 1 PM.

I've been trying to find the strength to come here and post about it.  Its very real to me, even though sometimes it seems like some nightmare that I MUST wake up from because this never should have happened.  Not that cancer should happen to ANYONE, but what happened to John- the suffering he went through in the last year while his cancer was misdiagnosed (more on that another time...I cant speak about it legally yet), the toll the cancer took on his body, the 4 surgeries in 6 weeks and constantly healing...then the infection he got shortly before he died...its just not fair. 

I know, I know- life isnt fair.  But this is so much bigger than an easy sentence like that.  He didnt even make it quite 3 months from when he was diagnosed.  It was not nearly enough time with him.  But I guess nothing ever wouldve been "enough" time for me since the last thing I ever wanted was for my husband to die.

Its still a little too painful to write more about it at this point, but his passing was peaceful.  I was glad for that, as a few days before he passed he was really suffering.  I miss him more than I could ever find words for, but at the same time I am grateful he is no longer hurting.

I hurt in ways I never knew I could, and when I think of what my children have lost, it makes things a million times worse.

I still intend to blog more and write more about what happened and write more about life as a young widow...hopefully I will find the strength for that soon.