I hate how nothing ever feels right anymore. Literally, everything feels wrong. I spend so much time wondering how long I will feel like this- if I always will feel like this.
The list is so long, I could never list all of the examples. But the fact that nothing feels right or that no choice feels like the right choice pervades essentially EVERY aspect of my life.
Should I stay home with John, or should I work? Neither feels right. When I am at work, I feel like I should be home with my husband. Our days are limited. We dont know how many days we have, and while he is seemingly pretty healthy right now (for having terminal cancer and all...), I know that in the blink of an eye he could get very sick and then have very little time. Maybe if he suddenly gets sick and then passes quickly I will regret that I wasnt home more. Or, it could be that the radiosurgery he had helped a little and he gets more time. But when I am home with him, I feel guilty that I'm falling even further behind at work, I feel guilty for the people counting on me at my job, I feel like I'm not getting enough done, I feel like people at work are disappointed in me (even though I know logically they do not).
You can apply it to almost every situation I have to deal with. No matter the choice I make, I always feels as though I shouldve picked the alternative choice. But sometimes I do, and that doesnt feel right either.
Even when I think about choices I will have to make in the future- where we will live after John passes, decisions for his funeral, how I'd like to shape or mold my life or thinking about what I would maybe like to do after he is gone- no choice seems right.
I've even gone into our closet before, looking at all of the clothes he is never going to wear again, thinking I should take some of the clothes out and donate them- they take up a lot of space in the closet that I actually need right now because of how much medical equipment that has come to our home, but that doesnt feel right, especially because he is bedridden in our room and I worry if he sees me removing clothes from the closet he may get upset. But at the same time, it feels so wrong to just have them sit there, never to be worn again, knowing that if I wait, it may be very very hard to do it after he passes. And because I know if I probably asked him if he wanted me to clean out some of his things, he probably would say yes. But even the idea of asking him seems like it doesnt have a right answer, so I havent. Instead I walk into the closet a million times a day and it goes through my head- what should I do about the clothes, what should I do about the clothes??
One thing I DID do with some of his clothes was to pull out some of my favorite shirts of his and set them aside to a different part of the closet. I'm thinking of having a quilt made from them. Even deciding on whether I should definitely do it or not doesnt feel like it has a right answer- like will the quilt make me too sad to even look at? Will it upset my kids and be a reminder of him so that I will just have to put it up somewhere they dont see it? Then I think maybe they would love it, maybe it would bring me comfort or bring them comfort and I should do it. Since nothing ever feels right when I think about if I should do it, I decided setting the clothes aside was good for now and making a decision on if a quilt should be made could come later.
I had decided that I should start putting things in place for when he passes- even this was something that didnt seem right either way, but my mother encouraged me to make some preperations up front, and so I did make a decision to go ahead and start some things...even though I question myself still if it is the "right" thing to do. It feels very wrong to be preparing for his passing right now, but I worry about how much of a burden- emotionally and otherwise- it will be if I wait until his actual passing and my mom assures me it will be easier to prepare some now than wait until all at once.
So a friend took me out shopping last week. We were shopping for work clothes and I decided to go to the boys section to buy dress clothes for the funeral- dress pants, shirts, ties. The dress pants and shirt were easy enough to pick out (I say that, but it probably took me 45 minutes alone to do that...) but the ties...I agonized over the ties for so long. My poor friend was so patient about it, helping me look through all of what they had.
None of the ties seemed "right"- I kept finding flaws in all of them. This one has too many colors, I dont like the stripes on this one, isnt red too bright for a funeral??? Eventually I decided I couldnt choose any there- none seemed "right" enough. We went to a second store and I did find 3 ties there that I eventually ended up choosing three matching ties...but...
I would be remiss if I did not admit I think about those ties so often and wonder if I really chose the "right" ones. Should I pick different ones? Would John like these? Should I ask him if he likes them? No, that might upset him to have to think about the ties the boys would wear to his funeral. But what if he wants to see them? Which is the "right" thing?
You can imagine what trying to look for a black dress for the funeral was like. Let's say I bought 4 and all but 1 went back and every day I think about that dress and think "Maybe its not right...I should return it and keep looking." And nothing feels even remotely right about the fact that I am 30 years old and I'm having to pick out a funeral dress, and clothes for my kids. We plan to have John cremated, so at least that is one thing I wont have to worry if I've done right- I wont have to pick out what he should be buried in.
Today John asked me how I'd feel about him buzz cutting his hair. I didnt really know what to say. On one hand, I dont think I'd like how it looks. But its his hair, and it has been a pain to wash (the real way- I hate that leave in shampoo they use for bedridden people). I worry, though, that such a drastic change in hairstyles, especially if he buzzes it nearly bald, would worry or scare the kids. I dont want them to think he suddenly took a turn for the worse because his hair is missing. But as he put it "If I buzz it, it may not grow back to how it usually is before I pass..."- which was heart wrenching to hear and think about. I told him I'd think about it, but again, I dont know what the right thing to say is, I dont know what is the right choice, or if the right thing is to tell him its totally up to him.
When I think about the fact that I am going to be a widow- possibly before I turn 31- I'm hit by a tidal wave of emotions that screams how everything about this situation is NOT RIGHT. All of the plans we had, everything we dreamed about...it wont be happening like its supposed to. Living in this world without John, raising my kids without John, doing everything WITHOUT John. Nothing about that feels right, at all. I wonder if it ever will. I'm scared that it wont.