Thursday, February 21, 2013

Three week widow

Today marks the 3rd week since John passed.  3 weeks. 21 days. 504 hours.

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my last post that I have returned to work.  It was a little sooner than I had wanted to but my boss really sounded like he needed me to, and he has been EXTREMELY generous to me since John was diagnosed on Nov 3rd/4th with the tumors, and so I decided to try it out.

The first three days werent so bad.  I had rough moments or even rough portions of the day, and I'm so backlogged I can only do mostly basics of what I need to do right now...there will be lots and lots of catch up for anything missed or overlooked while I was out.

I had therapy today.  I usually schedule therapy for Thursdays, since Thursdays are currently the hardest days for me right now as each one marks another week since I lost John.  She didnt have any appts after 5, and therapy is pretty emotionally draining for me, so I was hesitant to go midday because my plan was to try to be at work every day this week, even if only a portion of a day- but that each day I WOULD go to work for at least awhile.  I made all of the first 3 days.  Today I didnt make it until 2 PM, but still- I made it.  It took me quite a few hours to get my emotions under control to come in, but I did it...I had therapy, I was sad...I took some time and pulled myself together and then even though I am still very sad, I came into work and am getting a little bit done.

My boss was really impressed and proud of me.  My therapist also said it was very encouraging that I am managing to go to work.  Like I said, I wasnt QUITE wanting to come back full time yet but when my boss called, I just couldnt say no.  We're very much like family here and I knew he needed me back.  Even though its hard, I think it was an OK decision.  Much better than laying in bed all day like I'd PREFER to do, even though I know that is not good for me.

I'm missing John lots today.  I miss him a lot every day.  Sometimes this just feels like one of his longer business trips and that he'll still come home to me, even though I'm totally rational and know this isnt true.  But since once or twice a year he would have trips lasting that long, this reminds me of those trips.  Except this time I know he WONT come back.  Sometimes it just seems IMPOSSIBLE that this situation is permanent.  I'm completely rational and I know he is gone and I know he isnt coming back...but part of me just cant believe this could possibly be what ended up happening to my family.

I'm trying to make decisions about his headstone too.  (John was cremated but we want to bury part of his ashes in a private cemetery for the kids to be able to visit). The people have been drawing up some examples for me.  Like most of my decisions lately, I just dont know what to do.   I've been considering (since before he passed) if I just wanted a simple headstone with his name and dates or if I'd like to include some other words or lyrics to a song that was important to us.  I cant seem to make a decision about that now either, and I'm afraid if I go ahead with what they've come up with so far, I will then wish I had put the lyrics or if I put the lyrics then I will wish I hadnt.  None of the choices feel "right".  Maybe that's just because I shouldnt have to be picking out a headstone for my 30 year old husband.

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