Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Laughing and crying

A friend of mine made a post to me today about a memory she had earlier today involving John.  I actually like when people do this- a lot of times they are stories I had completely forgotten about. 

She mentioned that as she heard a particular song on the radio today & it reminded her of a trip we all (John & I, her and her husband) took one night to a casino.  We had a blast, and by the time we left the guys were quite intoxicated.  John kept putting on a bunch of songs and she and I had to listen to those two "serenade" us the whole way home.  The drive was easily an hour and their singing was hilarious- basically like really bad karaoke inside a car.

She mentioned in her comment how this memory made her both laugh and cry, and how people in traffic probably thought she was crazy.

I told her not to worry about it- if she looks crazy, I must look downright insane most of the time, because I do that quite often.

I don't know if I could accurately estimate how often I end up both laughing and crying over memories of John.  It happens a lot- the memories are bittersweet.  Its hard- I love the memories, but hate that even funny ones make me sad.  If for nothing else than the memories just make me miss him so much, make me long to hear him make a smart ass remark or funny comment or do something goofy like he always was doing.

And I do the laugh/cry thing everywhere.  In my car (where I'm sure people in other cars are also looking at me like I'm crazy...thank goodness for sunglasses), at friends houses, at WORK, I've even done it out in public in restaurants and stores (where people are, again, probably looking at me like I'm crazy).

I have pretty much stopped caring about what people might think of that though. 

It almost becomes liberating in a way...whomever I'm talking to will not think I'm crazy, because they get why I'm sad.  People who might see me doing this...well...who cares what they think?  They don't know me.  They aren't living through what I am living through.  They don't get the anguish and heartbreak that I live with daily.  They don't understand the crushing depression that comes along with losing your partner- who also happened to be your spouse, best friend, and father of your children.   They don't understand the feelings of walking around like you went to sleep one night and someone stole something very important from you and knowing you'll never get it back.  

So if I look a little crazy sometimes to people who don't know the what?  I just cant care about that.  My emotions run too deep for me to worry myself over strangers and what they might think.  If I'm out and about and end up laughing and crying in public, so be it.  Sometimes it even kinda feels good to do it- to release some of the pain while having a little bit of humor to take the edge off.  Like I said, those memories are bittersweet- a mixture of both pain and pleasure.  I'd rather think about those memories over ones that are only sad, honestly.  Who wouldn't???

And one day I hope that when friends and I talk about good times or funny moments involving John that I will just be able to enjoy them and laugh.  Not that I wont be sad anymore; not that I wont miss him still.  But just maybe I will be able to laugh about them or enjoy the good memories and not immediately have those moments tainted by the sorrow that comes with things still being so raw, so fresh.  After all, it will only be 8 weeks since his passing tomorrow.

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