Memories that leave you feeling broken

I was driving to work this morning, and my mind wandered to the place it usually does- thinking about John in some capacity.  Sometimes I think about things he did or said, or our life together, or how much I miss him, or I think about when he was sick....just kind of wherever my mind wanders.

Today I was thinking about how its been over a year since he first started complaining about his arm hurting and went to see the neurologist.  The whole year or so played out in my head, all the way to the point at which he died.  And while I know all of this is VERY real, a small voice in my head said in disbelief "There's no way that actually happened."  It all still feels like some very weird dream.  But nearly immediately after that passed through my mind, a bigger voice in my head immediately reminded me that OH YES, it had indeed happened and yes, my husband suffered for so long with a misdiagnosis and yes, once he was diagnosed it was too late (although we didn't know that at first...) and he did die and he isn't ever coming back.  Cue the waterworks and the feeling of my heart sinking in my chest.

I remember almost everything all too well...

All this time, all this effort...wasted

I've had it cross my mind a million times to come back here to writing but it was always too hard. The last time I wrote was for our anniversary- now its after the New Year. Its always too hard to write but then I tell myself I *SHOULD* do it, I'll want to read back on this one day. I dont know when, but I'm sure I will. Or maybe my kids will want to when they are old enough one day. I had written last time that 8 years with my husband is not enough. Now I know that 8 years with him is almost certainly all I will get.

The treatment concensus, so far...

So LSU Shreveport's tumor board and the oncologist here agree on the same basic treatment route- the tumor in John's back has to come out. This unforuntely means that he will most likely lose all or most (but probably all) function in his left arm because the tumor is either wrapped up in or situated in a whole lot of nerves that control the left arm...I didnt see the MRI's for these...now John cant have MRI's because of all the metal in his neck. The oncologist here still wants to Stage his cancer...however our adventure with leaking spinal fluid and the ICU has put a bit of a hold on that. Also, the neurosurgeon said the tumor, or the tons of nerves surrounding it (again, not 100% on what exactly is going on at this spot since we first were just so concerned with removing the SPINAL tumor) are very complex and he isnt comfortable doing the surgery. This means we'll either go back to LSU Shreveport (which I absolutely DO NOT WANT) or to MD Anderson. They have a sarcoma team there and this cancer is considered a sarcoma, so this seems like the best option. I hate that it means that in a few weeks I'll be stuck away from my kids while we sort out what needs to happen with the tumor aside from surgery- any chemo, radiation, etc. It sucks being in limbo. It sucks that John's best option is to cut a 2-3 inch tumor out of his back and lose the function in his left arm (he's left handed). It sucks that we're dealing with ANY of this. It sucks that no one managed to catch this in the last YEAR that he was having clear problems with his arm that shouldve AT LEAST required an MRI of his arm or spine and that we would be probably going through WAY less crap if he had ever been properly treated. It sucks that even with this surgery, my chances of a long term life with my husband are not great. I hate how unfair life is. So right now we wait in the ICU, then acute care, and have John's incision site clear up. Meanwhile we work out getting approval on getting over to MD Anderson so that when he is better he can go see about trying to get this tumor out of him instead of just letting it grow or sit there.