Monday, June 3, 2013

like an earthquake to the heart...

I talk a lot about my own grief and how much I miss John. At the same time, I never forget how much my kids are hurting too (in fact their pain contributes greatly to my own, because as a mother you want to fix things for your kids, and this is one thing I cannot fix- no matter what)- so when I see things like this from them, it really crushes my heart.
My youngest wrote this during his therapy session on Saturday.

'Dear Dad, I am sad that you passed away. If I could ask you a question I would ask do you love me? I miss your funny jokes. From, Jack.'

I don't know that I could even describe how helpless and grief stricken I felt when I read this.

On to of that, and as if the letter Jack wrote during therapy wasn't enough of a tearjerker for one day, my daughter (age 7) came to me after I put the kids to bed.

She climbed in my lap and laid down and said 'Its not fair that daddy had to die. I would rather live outside and have no house than have daddy be gone.'

I couldn't really hold off from crying after hearing her say that. We rocked in the chair for a few minutes and she asked if she could have a picture of daddy in her room.

I had the perfect one in mind and went and grabbed it for her from a stack of pictures I had printed recently. I promised to pick up a frame for it this week and we taped it to her wall for now.

I tucked her in and left her room, with her cuddling a favorite stuffed animal, staring at the picture of John on the wall next to her pillow.

I'd do anything to take away their pain, I only wish it was even possible.  This crap is so hard.

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